Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Monday, April 26, 2010
A group of us (20 or so, including partners) met for lunch at the Holiday Inn, Farnborough yesterday - to celebrate Liz Bird's 60th. A great time was had by one and all - and doesn't Liz look well! Lois had just presented her with the basket of flowers - from all of us and kindly arranged by Pat and John. Thankfully I took my camera :) Have had to crop the piccie so I hope it's OK...didn't think you'd want to see the remnants of lunch!
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Saturday, April 24, 2010
...After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, 'Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!' The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, 'Well, little lady, why don't you go on and give it a try?' The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator. Later in the day, as the shopkeeper was driving home, he spotted the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand...
...As he brought his car to a stop, he saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blonde took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank. Nearby were 7 more dead gators all lying belly up. The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement as the blonde struggled mightily and barely managed to flip the gator onto its back.
...Then, rolling her eyes heavenward, she screamed in frustration...
...'CRAP! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!...
UP & DOWN SEX
At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly
gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish.
Since both of them were widowed,
they decided to go fishing together the next day.
The gentleman picked the lady up, and they
headed to the river to his fishing boat and
started out on their adventure.
They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady,
'Do you want to go up or down?'
All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt
and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat !
When they finished, the man couldn't believe
what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.
They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river.
He again asked the lady , 'Up or down ?'
There she went again, stripped off her clothes,
and made wild passionate love to him again.
This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day..
She said yes and there they were the next day,
riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in river, and the elderly gentleman asked, 'Up or down ?'
The woman replied, 'Down.'
A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman
guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady, 'Up or down ?'
She replied, 'Up.'
This really confused the gentleman so he asked,
passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!'
'What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked
you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad
She replied, 'Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing
my hearing aid and I thought the choices were
f*** or drown.
Friday, April 23, 2010
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
FIND OUT WHO YOUR HERO IS!
DON'T SCROLL DOWN YET!!
FIRST, DO THE SIMPLE MATH BELOW, THEN SCROLL DOWN TO FIND YOUR HERO.
It's CRAZY how accurate this is!
1) Pick your favourite number between 1-8
2) Multiply by 3 then
3) Add 3
4) Then again Multiply by 3 (I'll wait while you get the calculator.....)
5 ) You'll get a 2 digit number.....
6 ) Add the digits together
Now Scroll down
With that number, see who your HERO is from the list below:
3. George Washington
4. Ronald Reagan
5. Bill Gates
7. Mother Teresa
9. The Squirrel
I know... ..I just have that effect on people.....one day you, too, can be like me.....Believe it!
P.S. Stop picking different numbers!!
I AM YOUR HERO, JUST DEAL WITH IT!!!!!!
Saturday, April 17, 2010
The Spanish fooltball Federation have decided to change the rules slightly when Barcelona play Madrid in the Bernabeu Stadium - in order to give Madrid a chance of winning a game.
1. Madrid plays from left to right as from kick-off
2. Sides will not be changed in the second half.
3. Madrid have been allowed to make a slight modification to the pitch
Holiday makers in Spain were told they face a ten-day wait for a flight home and the delays - coming at the end of the Easter holiday period - intensified problems caused by the massive Icelandic eruption. Britain faces shortages of air-freighted food as the impact of the vast spume of ash bites beyond air travel.
Friday, April 16, 2010
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'
The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'
So God agreed.
...On the second day, God created the monkey and said:
'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'
The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?'
And God agreed.
...On the third day, God created the cow and said:
'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'
The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years.. .How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'
And God agreed again.
...On the fourth day, God created man and said:
'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'
But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'
'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'
...So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
...Life has now been explained to you!...
Voted Best Scottish Short Joke
A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,
'Excuse me Miss, dey ye hiv ony books on suicide?'
To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says,
'Fook off, ye'll no bring it back!'
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Monday, April 12, 2010
Soon after we arrived in USA in 1986, a restaurant called Classics After Six opened in Houston. It offered silver service, white table cloths, a sophisticated menu, a five or six piece ensemble discreetly playing classical music and, as we were to later discover, electronic high-tech loos. My wife Jen and I went with Jeff and Marie, our new neighbours and many years on, still great friends. The ambience was pleasing, the service attentive and the menu really quite sophisticated for an area of Houston at the time more used to barbecue and burgers.
Several cocktails into the evening, the ladies excused themselves. Moments later, Jen returned to the table in high dudgeon, waving a sheet of paper and wearing an expression of utter disdain. She cast the sheet of paper onto the table and announced indignantly, “I’ve been peeing quite successfully for a good many years…….and this is the first time anyone’s seen fit to give me instructions on how to do it!”. She didn’t actually stamp her foot with a petulant twitch of the head - but this was the only piece of drama the occasion lacked! Leaving the document for Jeff and I to peruse, the ladies strode off with renewed purpose to the task at hand. They had no idea what they were heading into.
The sheet of paper was actually detailed instruction in how to use the high-tech loos the restaurant had chosen to have installed and, although now almost de rigueur in public facilities, we had not encountered them previously. It said in large letters at the top, “PLEASE DON’T USE ANY OF THE CONTROLS IN THE BATHROOM BEFORE YOU HAVE READ THIS NOTICE”. Jeff and I read the instructions and started to grin.
It was several minutes later that the ladies returned. Jen was rather obviously trying hard to suppress laughter and Marie, quite clearly, was VERY pissed off.
It transpired that the loos in the ladies room each had a control panel attached to one side of them. There was a large sign on the back of each cubicle door urging those now seated to “READ THIS FIRST”, then repeating the instructions on the piece of paper that Jeff and I now had. The delightfully inquisitive Marie had taken her seat and then either eschewed the warning notice or been drawn inexorably to the flashing lights on the control panel. She started to experiment with the controls. From somewhere in the toilet beneath her a jet of searing hot water was suddenly released. As this scythed across her tender regions, she shrieked and simultaneously stood up. The jet of hot water was now unimpeded and shot over the front of the bowl, filling her underwear with hot water and pouring onto her shoes. In addition to shrieking and despite the constraint of her underwear, Marie was now executing a rather vigorous, high stepping dance in the confined space of the cubicle, desperately trying to prevent her feet from being scalded, the while wrestling with the toilet controls.
Needless to say, as this story unfolded at the table, Jeff and I dissolved into uncontrollable laughter. Eventually, inquisitiveness overcame us and we men headed off to our loo. Gentlemanly relief is achieved in rather more public circumstances and there was quite a crowd in there, laughing and joking at the self-flushing urinals, the taps which turned on in response to movement and the paper towel dispensers which seemed to anticipate one’s need and automatically push out sheets of paper. None of us had seen anything like it at the time. Neither Jeff nor I was brave enough to experiment with the ‘sit-upons’ however.
In spite of the variety of entertainment, the restaurant didn’t stay open for long. It may have been that the excellent food just didn’t draw sufficient customers from the barbecue and burger brigade or that the classical music just didn’t appeal in a city where country music was then more the mark. Then again, the choice of knives, forks and spoons was overwhelming for anyone more used to eating everything with a single fork. However, we think there was possibly a slew of law suits served by indignant ladies with scalded privates and that the ensuing litigation proved too great a financial burden.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
THE WOMAN POEM
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep.
One who's handsome, smart, and strong.
One who loves to listen long.
One who thinks before he speaks.
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's rich and self-employed,
And when I spend, won't be annoyed.
Pull out my chair and hold my hand.
Massage my feet and help me stand.
Oh, send a king to make me queen.
A man who loves to cook and clean.
I pray this man will love no other.
And relish visits with my mother.
THE MAN POEM
I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
big t*** who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and drinking.
This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a s***!
Saturday, April 10, 2010
I could not believe my ears last night. One of the 'news' programmes on a local TV station yesterday went like this:
"You may have noticed that your car has been covered in green pollen but that this-morning, the pollen had gone. This was because it rained last night. (big smile....followed by serious expression) Experts say that this pollen accumulation could last up to several weeks".
This is NEWS? Give me a break! Every year at this time, pines and certain varieties of oak shed pollen and half the nation walks around bug-eyed, Snotty and miserable. This is something you cannot FAIL to notice! That rain removes dusty particulate matter from cars is hardly a revelation and 'EXPERTS' are required to to say the phenomenon 'could' last 'up to several weeks'? Sweet Jesis, a child of three could do better than that!
Thursday, April 08, 2010
Wednesday, April 07, 2010
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.
Cocktail lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.
Doctors office, Rome :
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.
Dry cleaners, Bangkok :
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.
In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.
On the main road to Mombassa, leaving Nairobi :
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.
On a poster at Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP.
In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.
In a cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES .
Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.
In a Tokyo bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.
A sign posted in Germany 's Black Forest :
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.
Hotel in Zurich:
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.
Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand :
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?
Airline ticket office, Copenhagen :
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.
A laundry in Rome :
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME
How Fights Start--------------------
Some of these are oldies but goodies.
My wife sat down on the settee next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on the TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started....
My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And then the fight started....
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph , so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid
husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it....
He was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"
So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"
And then the fight started.....
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds..'
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started...
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some place expensive... so, I took her to a petrol station.
And then the fight started...
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets
and realized I had left my wallet at home.. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me'
processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too...'
And then the fight started...
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...
Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
A backward poet writes inverse.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.) Time flies like
Fruit flies like a banana.
In democracy your vote counts.
In feudalism your count votes.
She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted - 'taint yours and 'taint mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Tuesday, April 06, 2010
Well, there's a very simple answer.
NOBODY BOTHERED TO CHECK THE OIL!
We just didn't know we were getting low. The reason for this is purely geographical.
OUR oil is located in:
Alaska, California, Coastal Florida, Coastal Louisiana, North Dakota, Wyoming, Colorado, Kansas, Oklahoma, Pennsylvania and Texas.
Our dipsticks, however, are located in Washington, DC.
Monday, April 05, 2010
Saturday, April 03, 2010
Friday, April 02, 2010
My eldest and his wife are cycling to Brittany today from somewhere near London, they did make an appeal for drysuit and a sail...
Keep warm and dry you all!
Thursday, April 01, 2010
Old Lady: I am 94 years old.
Defence Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defence Attorney: Did you know him?
Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly..
Defence Attorney: What happened after he sat down?...