Thursday, October 31, 2013
A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II In light of closing down of the Government in the USA and thus the inability to govern yourselves, We hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.) Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy). Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: -----------------------
1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary'). ------------------------2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.' -------------------3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. -----------------4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse. ----------------------5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public. ----------------------6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour. --------------------7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it. -------------------8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar. -------------------9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion. ---------------------10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater. ---------------------11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). ---------------------12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries. --------------------13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad. -----------------14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776). ---------------15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season. God Save the Queen!PS: Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
A devout Arab Muslim entered a black cab in London. He curtly asked the cabbie to turn off the radio because as decreed by his religious teaching, he must not listen to music because “in the time of the prophet there was no music, especially Western music which is the music of the infidel.” The cab driver politely switched off the radio, stopped the cab and opened the door. The Arab Muslim asked him, "What are you doing?” The cabbie answered, "In the time of the prophet there were no taxis, so get out and wait for a camel!"
Tuesday, October 29, 2013
Monday, October 28, 2013
Friday, October 25, 2013
Tell me, please, am I the only person who gets ticked off with the expression 'reach out'? Typically, I find this is used by telesales (REALLY ANNOYING) people peddling something which I neither need nor want. "Hello Bob, this is Mike from Acme Incendiary Suppository Corp. I thought I'd reach out to you Bob, because.......". Incidentally, I'm also mildly miffed by salespeople whom I am never ever likely to meet and who insist upon calling me Bob. Is that unreasonable? Am I alone here? Am I just a crotchety old fart?
Thursday, October 24, 2013
Wednesday, October 23, 2013
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
Morris Schwartz is dying and is on his deathbed. He is with his nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, and knows the end is near. So he says to them: "Bernie, I want you to take the Beverly Hills houses." "Sybil, take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza ." "Hymie, I want you to take the offices over in City Center ." "Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown". The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Morris slips away, she says to the wife, "Mrs. Schwartz, your husband must have been such a hard working man to have accumulated so much property." Sarah replies, "Property, shmoperty...the schmuck had a newspaper round."
Monday, October 21, 2013
Saturday, October 19, 2013
a few of you may remember Frau Liselotte Bischoff or Lilo - Matron of
Drake Boys 55 - 72 - we heard the other day that she had to go to
hospital having had what appeared to be a 'medium' heart attack and has
had angioplasty and a stent put in place - we sent a get well card on
behalf of TWA and ex PRSites and have just received the following from
To all my friends from TWA,
Thank you all very much for your
good wishes in regards to my health. The picture of Fliegerdeich made
me cry with joy and brought back memories of long ago.
Now that I´m
at home I feel much better already. It is a lovely thought that there
are dear people all over the world who wish me well, and I´m sure it
will help me a lot
Love and danke schön
to you all
Friday, October 18, 2013
Thursday, October 17, 2013
Wednesday, October 16, 2013
Tuesday, October 15, 2013
Oh shit it is getting late I had better go into town and get some spuds and bread.On returning home I see Freddiecakes has 5 items and non that resemble bread!!! dash back to the store on the reserve to correct this,yeah success.So after dinner having taken out the recycling box I decide to polish off the ice cream,okay Mr P lets put on the movie and have a cuppa.Well might as well put the ice cream container out in the box, good idea Gumby.Pitch black standing in my garage in my jammies after having successfully locked myself out.Hmm better cycle up the road to the neighbours(fortunately most people in the county have a key to my house) for these occasions.Lucky so far,its not the dead of winter and I am at least wearing pj's.Off I go a good 10 feet before said pj's get stuck in the chain!! curses Moriarty.Not too embarrassing really as my neighbours are older than moi and probably see this as quite normal.
I just signed the petition "Stadt Wilhelmshaven / GGS: Erhaltet die beiden Bunker am Banter See in Wilhelmshaven" on Change.org.
It's important. Will you sign it too? Here's the link:
Posted by Paul at 3:28 PM
Couldn't resist this from the Telewag today - even though I think someone missed out the 'c' in the name!