Saturday, December 31, 2011
I also have pics of Helga but she won't let me post them.
Have fun when its your turn - we should be in recovery by then.
Happy New Year....
Hope this works, copy and Paster (Hey up Eileen!) into your browser.
I am sure Paul could do this better and put the clip straight to the blog.
All the best everyone far and wide.
Friday, December 30, 2011
Patrick addressed the class: "Well Ms. Jones, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to midnight mass and we sing hymns; then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited, we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys.
"Very nice Patrick," she said. "Now Jimmy Brown, what do you do at Christmas?
Well, Ms. Jones, me and my sister also go to church with Mom and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late.
We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents.
Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked, "Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?"
Isaac said, "Well, it's the same thing every year...Dad comes home from the office. We all pile into the Rolls Royce; then we drive to Dad's toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves...And begin to sing: What A Friend We Have in Jesus.
Then we all go to the Bahamas."
Saturday, December 24, 2011
sleigh, going over the fields and laughing all the way are advised
that a Risk Assessment will be required, addressing the safety of an
open sleigh for members of the public - safety belts must be fitted,
with provision for infants. This assessment must also consider whether
it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture,
particularly where there are multiple passengers, who may be
horizontally challenged. Please note that permission must also be
obtained, in writing, from landowners before their fields may be
entered. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations
(ie non-Christians), we would request that laughter is moderate only,
and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.
Benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available for
collection by any shepherds planning, or required to watch their
flocks by night. While provision has also been made for remote
monitoring of flocks by CCTV cameras, from a centrally heated shepherd
observation hut, all users of this facility are reminded that an
emergency response plan must be submitted to account for known risks
to the flocks.
The angel of the Lord is additionally reminded that, prior to shining
his/her glory all around, s/he must confirm that all shepherds are
wearing appropriate Personal Protective Equipment to account for the
harmful effects of UVA, UVB and the overwhelming effects of Glory.
Following last years well-publicised case, everyone is advised that
Equal Opportunities legislation prohibits any comment with regard to
the redness of any part of Mr R Reindeer. Further to this, any
exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from reindeer games will be considered
discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those
found guilty of this offence.
While it is acknowledged that gift bearing is a common practice in
various parts of the world, particularly the Orient, everyone is
reminded that the bearing of gifts is subject to Hospitality
Guidelines and all gifts must be registered. This applies regardless
of the individual, even royal personages. It is particularly noted
that direct gifts of currency or gold are specifically precluded,
while caution is advised regarding other common gifts such as aromatic
resins, that may evoke allergic reactions.
Finally, in the recent instance of the infant found tucked up in a
manger without a crib for a bed, Social Services have been advised and
will be arriving shortly to discuss the matter with his parents.
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Monday, December 19, 2011
Beautiful ..... there are many versions I may just keep posting them :)))
Saturday, December 17, 2011
Friday, December 16, 2011
address will occur on the same day.
This is an ironic juxtaposition of events.
One involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to an insignificant creature of little intelligence for prognostication.
The other involves a groundhog.
As promised, Cliff at his best..... best wishes for a Happy Christmas and a peaceful New Year xx
There are even candles for those who love a fire! Exercise moves for those energetic ones and lots more, watch carefully :)
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Monday, December 12, 2011
Been off line for a week due to local broadband “malfunction”
Two Ladies Talking in Heaven
1st woman: Hi! Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Thursday, December 08, 2011
Wednesday, December 07, 2011
Tuesday, December 06, 2011
The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island,
But it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .
She was only a whiskey maker,
But he loved her still.
A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class,
Because it was a weapon of math disruption.
No matter how much you push the envelope,
It'll still be stationery.
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road
And was cited for littering.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France
Would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Two silk worms had a race.
They ended up in a tie.
A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall.
The police are looking into it.
Time flies like an arrow.
Fruit flies like a banana.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway.
One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger.
Then it hit me.
A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center
Said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
The midget fortune-teller who escaped from
Prison was a small medium at large.
The soldier who survived mustard gas and
Pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
A backward poet writes inverse.
In a democracy it's your vote that counts.
In feudalism it's your count that votes.
When cannibals ate a missionary,
They got a taste of religion.
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris ,
You'd be in Seine .
A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons.
The stewardess looks at him and says,
'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'
Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.
Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that
You can't have your kayak and heat it too.
Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.'
The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain
During a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
There was the person who sent ten puns to friends,
With the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.
No pun in ten did.
Monday, December 05, 2011
Thursday, December 01, 2011
Only thirty days to go. Then I join Sherry, Helga & Stu, and Sonya & Alan for a mini-reunion and some fine dining at the Sebel on the right of the photo to see in the new year. When you see the fireworks covering the Sydney Harbour Bridge, imagine us almost underneath them.
I hope each of you has a good time planned - we'll think of all of you up north as we struggle through the heat of NYE in Oz.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on
sale, he bought them and wore them home.
Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife,
"Notice anything different about me?"
Margaret looked him over. "Nope."
Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back
into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.
Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything
Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, "Bert, what's different?
It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging
down again tomorrow."
Furious, Bert yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"
"Nope. Not a clue", she replied.
"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!"
Without missing a beat, Margaret replied, "Shoulda' bought a hat, Bert.
Shoulda' bought a hat."
Monday, November 28, 2011
Montana and he sees a sign in front of a
broken down shanty-style house:
'Talking Dog For Sale '..
He rings the bell and the owner appears
and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a
nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of
hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that
I could talk when I was pretty young..
I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA.
In no time at all they had me jetting from
country to country, sitting in rooms with
spies and world leaders, because no one
figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for
eight years running...
But the jetting around really tired me out,
and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so
I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job
at the airport to do some undercover security,
wandering near suspicious characters and
listening in. I uncovered some incredible
dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'
'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and
now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks
the owner what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on
earth are you selling him so cheap?'
'Because he's a liar. He's never been out of
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Gary Speed began his playing career at Leeds United after coming through the trainee ranks, and was part of the side that won the last Football League title in 1992, before the introduction of the Premier League. His tally of 85 caps is a record for an outfield player. R.I.P.
This is a Seehund midget sub being lifted out of somewhere in WHV.(Bantersee)??
Only 138 of these were commisioned into the Kreigsmarine and not until late 1944.
Am still trying to find out if some were scuttled in the Bantersee.
This foto from 1945 onward. I have others showing workmen, they do not look like Royal Navy personnel.
Anyone any info?
Friday, November 25, 2011
"1948 - Weserstrasse with traffic-sign of the occupation forces"
As "H.M.S. Royal Rupert" is to the right and the "Naval Officer in Charge" is straight ahead (his H.Q. was on the far side of the Kaiser Wilhelm Brücke), the location must be to the west of the junction with Jadestr.
Interestingly, it also gives directions to the "Royal Naval Yacht club (Officers)". . . All play and no work for the occupation forces?
. . . Come to that, what about the "other ranks"? Did they have to make do with rowing boats I wonder?
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Arriving at Kossuth Tér, I decided to re-visit the parliament building. Some years ago I went on one of the guided tours that they do, in various languages - it cost £4 then (free for Hungarians), It's now £7.50, but free for E.U. citizens (of any age). The inside of the building is really stupendous and makes up for the endless queueing and the inevitable security checks.
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
A gas station owner near Camden, Alabama was trying to increase his sales. So he put up a sign that read
“Free Sex with Fill-Up."
Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.
The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close! The number was 7.
Sorry. No sex this time."
A week later, the same redneck, along with his brother, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up.
Again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.
The redneck guessed 2 this time.
The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but NO free sex this time."
As they were driving away, the redneck said to his brother, "I think that game is RIGGED, and he doesn't really give away FREE Sex."
Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged. My WIFE won twice last week."
Monday, November 21, 2011
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Friday, November 18, 2011
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.
2. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.
3. No one is listening until you pass wind.
4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
8.. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.
11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
12. Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree.
13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
14.. Good judgment comes from bad experience ... and most of that comes from bad judgment.
15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.
17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our arse - then things just keep getting worse.
20. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.