Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well.
However, one day the man rushed into a lawyer's officeand asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances and asked him the following questions:
Have you any grounds?
Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
It made of concrete.
I don't think you understand.
Does either of you have a real grudge?
No, we have carport, and not need one.
I mean what are your relations like?
All my relations still in Poland .
Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
Does your wife beat you up?
No, I always up before her.
Is your wife a nagger?
No, she white.
Why do you want this divorce?
She going to kill me.
What makes you think that?
I got proof.
What kind of proof?
She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom.
I can read English pretty good, and it say:
In a comment to a recent(ish) post, Paul opined that I'm an "Anglo-Hungarian tax exile ...[living] in a former royal palace".
To set the record straight:
"-Hungarian...", The only connection I have with Hungary is that I have chosen to live here. Ten years ago I had never even visited the country.
"Anglo-...", Nor am I even slightly English (despite living in England for over 30 years), I prefer to describe myself as "British". Most Hungarians suffer the same delusion as most other non-Britons, thinking that British=English. In this village I am usually referred to as "Bruce az angol"(Bruce the Englishman), or just "az angol". Even official documents refer to my birthplace and citizenship as "Nagybritannia"(Great Britain), whereas the latter at least should, by rights, be "Egyesült Kiralyság"(United Kingdom).
"tax exile...", All my income derives from the U.K. so I am as liable to U.K. income tax as if I still lived there, I have to file an annual tax return with HMRC. On the other hand , I do escape the dreaded Council tax (the local equivalent is about one twentieth of what I paid in Britain), but there again, VAT here is 25% (ouch!).
Oh, and the Festetics Palace was not a royal residence, the Festetics family were "Nobility" rather than "Royalty". Of course I Don't live there, my "palace" is a perfectly ordinary 3-bedroom house built in the 1990s behind the Festetics Residence (more precisely, 20 miles behind!). I just posted the picture because it's a rather nice-looking building. :)
Monday, August 30, 2010
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I
stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not
screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than
standing in a garage makes you a car.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear
bright until you hear them speak.
If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it
in a fruit salad.
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the
Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then
proceed to tell you why it isn't.
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a
train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes
a whole box to start a campfire?
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that
you don't need it.
I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion
stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president
and 50 for Miss America ?
Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a
successful man is usually another woman.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute
to skydive twice.
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way
that you will look forward to the trip.
Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even
if you wish they were.
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live
Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and
a shot of tequila.
When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire
Department usually uses water.
You're never too old to learn something stupid.
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you
hit the target.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no
A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as
when you are in it.
If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some
people have more than one child?
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Friday, August 27, 2010
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.
'I'm afraid not, sir,' the clerk told him apologetically, 'but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes.'
Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15.00, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.
Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read: 'Manicures, $20.00'.
'Why not?' thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.
The next machine had a sign that read, 'This Machine Provides a Service Men Need When Away from Their Wives, 50 Cents.'
The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, made a rather personal insertion into the opening. When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out. Fifteen seconds later it shut off.
With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his tender unit........ Which now had a button sewn neatly on the end.
Wife : Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.
Husband: I was looking for the expiry date.
Wife : Do you want dinner?
Husband: Sure! What are my choices?
Wife: Yes or no.
Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.
Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.
Girl: Well that's because we aren't married yet.
Son: Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.
A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?’
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, no matter who left you a fortune!
A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humour!'
The lovely Norma causing sensation arriving with husband in somewhat flash motor
Not sure what I am doing - look quite startled anyway
The lovely Jack - and not in pink
Frances Burroughs the lucky raffle winner with one of our artists prints
And the man himself
Monday, August 23, 2010
Lise is a purser on board large private yachts sailing the Meddi and was a dive master at a lodge in Fiji for a number of years. (not bad for a girl from Kirkland Lake) She is getting married this summer to a lad from Liverpool (Pilot) Her mum (Kathy's youngest sister) lives in Vancouver. Another of the family from KL. is in Afghanistan for his 9th (and final) tour. He is a mtce mechanic for Voyageur Airlines who have two Dash 8 aircraft leased to the Dutch contingent (they have finished their tour) he goes for 6 months at a time and gets paid for 12 @ rate of US $ 4500.00 per week! He is also getting married this summer and has bought a 4 acre spread on the shores of Lake Nipissing in the town of Sturgeon Falls. Shows you how dying to get out of a small mining town can motivate a person
Sunday, August 22, 2010
If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids
Already, three who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and
She had syphilis, would you recommend that she have an abortion?
Read the next question
Before looking at the response for this one.
It is time to elect a new world leader, and only your vote
Here are the facts about the three candidates.
Associates with crooked politicians and consults with
Astrologists. He's had two mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to
10 Martinis a day.
He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used
Opium in college and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.
He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke,
Drinks an occasional beer and never committed adultery.
Which of these candidates would be our choice?
Decide first... No peeking, and then scroll down for the
Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt.
Candidate B is Winston Churchill.
Candidate C is Adolph Hitler.
And, by the way, on your answer to the abortion question:
If you said YES, you just killed Beethoven.
Pretty interesting isn't it?
Makes a person think before judging someone.
Amateurs ... Built the ark.
Professionals ... Built the Titanic
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Friday, August 20, 2010
Thursday, August 19, 2010
We are hosts to a resident flock of twenty or thirty Canada geese and, twice a year, many thousands of their relatives drop in on their migratory way north or south for a brief visit and to crap all over everything. How is it that birds in flight can aim so well? Invariably if there is bird poop on my car, it’s on the window right before my eyes, damning any chance of safe, forward driving until it has been removed. Geese – or perhaps it’s just one goose - have an unerring sense of accuracy it seems. Maybe I did something unpleasant to someone in a former life and it is this person, now reincarnated as a goose, which regularly exacts his or her anatidaen revenge. The abundance of their unpleasant, semi-digested, ‘goose turd green’ mulch is, apparently, a canine delicacy and irresistible to Izzy - and to several other local dogs, whose owners are just as disgusted by (a) the stuff itself in such quantities and (b) the sight of our dogs actually scarfing it down!
Almost every morning during our dog walk, our resident flock will take to the sky. I cannot imagine why they bother expending all that energy, really, because they fly around for a few minutes and then land back where they started. Anyway, geese in flight are a noisy bunch and Izzy’s attention is focused on them almost as soon as they have taken to the sky. As they pass overhead, she jumps up in the air repeatedly, yelping loudly and very excitedly. I don’t know if she views them as a potential meal or is simply trying to join them in flight – although no amount of sky-stirring with those legs would get her airborne. It is probably an attempt at flight, though, because while she will stalk geese from a respectable distance on the ground, she learned the hard way not to get too close – so even Izzy knows they’re not really a potential meal.