Friday, July 30, 2010
As far as the whale poop is concerned, it irks me considerably that items like 'The Dow rose by over 1% yesterday' are considered news; they don't actually tell you anything of substance. At what level was it? Is this a positive or negative thing comparatively or just average? By contrast, there are programmes which devote HOURS to a discussion about the current weather conditions - something which a glance out of the window will suffice to inform in most instances and a quick Google if anything more wider ranging is required.
Well, yesterday saw the breaking of new ground. The news-reader announced chirpily, "New applications for Social Security (the dole) fell in June for the third consecutive month but not by as much as expected".
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Women 'more likely to fuss about midge bites'
Women are more likely to make a fuss about midge bites than men because they are “more aware of their skin,” new research suggests.
A study found that human attractiveness to the bloodsucking insects is hereditary, and that women have a stronger reaction to the bites than men.
It also showed than larger women are more likely to get bitten because they give out more heat, moisture and chemicals that attract midges.
Tall men were similarly susceptible because they are most likely to cross the paths of midges, most of which fly at a height of two metres from the ground.
Scientists from Aberdeen University and the Rothamsted Research Institute in Hertfordshire conducted a survey of more than 300 athletes and spectators at a race around the shores of Loch Ness, which is notorious for clouds of midges.
They found that some people consistently got bitten more than others, while 14 per cent of people never got bitten at all. Scientists believe that some people are born producing skin chemicals that repel the insects.
“Midges find us through the volatiles coming off our skin and also our breath – our carbon dioxide,” said Professor Jenny Mordue, who led the study.
"We found women's reaction to the bites was worse than men's, but that may be because women are more aware of their skin than men."
The study, which will be published in the British Medical Council's Public Health Journal next year, dismissed a number of popular methods of repelling midges, such as eating strongly flavoured foods like garlic and onions, which it says have no effect.
At the dinner table the Ambassador's wife was talking with Madame De Gaulle:
"Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence on the French and International scene for so many years!
How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years?"
"A penis," replied Madame De Gaulle.
A huge hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer... and no one knew what to say next.
Le Grand Charles leaned over to his wife and said: "Ma cherie, I believe ze English pronounce zat word, 'appiness!'"
See you in Nottingham?
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
One day I'll learn to do this myself - Paul take a gander at " Stanley Unwin " relating his version of" Pidey Pipeload of Hamling " I think this was translated from the Newcastle vernacular. Hilarious to my warped sense of humour, as are all his soliloquies
Monday, July 26, 2010
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Does anyone have any idea what that may have been about? There was absolutely no part of this transaction which involved identifying me with the bar code.
Puts me in mind of a similar experience in Bombay years ago where a line of people was making its way slowly towards a Sikh immigration officer who had on his desk a pile of pieces of paper and a rubber stamp. He would receive each passport and work his way through, page by page. On arriving at the photograph, he would compare it with the visage before him and then return the passport to its owner. Then, he would take a piece of paper from the pile, stamp it and hand it to a small boy who ran across the room to another Sikh behind another desk. This fellow would look at it then ball it up and bung it in the rubbish bin under his desk. I watched this process being repeated many times whilst in the queue - and have absolutely no idea what it was about!
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Monday, July 19, 2010
Thursday, July 15, 2010
I promise you cannot read these and not laugh out loud. These are real notes written by parents in the Memphis school district.
Spellings have been left intact.
1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today. Please execute him.
2. Please exkuce lisa for being absent she was sick and I had her shot.
3. Dear school: please ecsc's john being absent on jan . 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.
4. Please excuse gloria from jim today. She is administrating.
5. Please excuse roland from p.e. For a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip..
6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
10. Please excuse ray Friday from school.. He has very loose vowels.
11. Please excuse Lesli from being absent yesterday. She had diahre dyreadireathethe shits.
12. Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak.
13.. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
14. Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.
16. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday. We thought it was Sunday.
17. Sally won't be in school a week from Friday We have to attend her funeral.
18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the marines.
19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
20. Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover...
22. Please excuse Brenda . She has been sick and under the doctor.
23. Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sorethroat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever an sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
Now we know why parents are screaming for better education for our children...
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
One of these I may have put on before, the other was taken couple of weeks ago, as you can see it is very shallow :(
Just found out how to download photos from my ancient mobile phone! Not very good quality pics but hey you get the idea.
Rain has fallen in these here parts for the first time in many months - not supposed to weed and feed in a drought so therefore think my grass is quite dead.
This was Durdle Door in February, if I can find one with the route to access the top of the door I will post it... it is every bit as craggy as it looks. Happy Tuesday you Bloggers... from somewhere near Weymouth, birthplace of Paul the Octopus.
Monday, July 12, 2010
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Friday, July 09, 2010
...One day Jim was sick and stayed home in bed, but kept hearing water running downstairs. He finally tore himself from his sick bed & went to investigate, and stumbled onto the cause of such high water bills. Apparently this was happening all day long when they were not at home. Knowing that few would believe him, he taped a segment of the 'problem' for posterity!...
...Now watch the video!...
Wednesday, July 07, 2010
David Beckham goes to Heathrow.
David Beckham gets a taxi to Heathrow. After a few minutes Becks spots the driver giving him a few looks in the mirror. This happens continuously until they approach the airport when the driver says "Come on mate, give us a clue".
Beckham says "I had a great career at Man Utd, Real Madrid and in America, and over 100 caps for England.
The driver says "No you thick twat, which terminal?
Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he
hears a knock at the door.
When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a
clip board and yelling,
'You Sign! You sign!'
Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.
Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts
to yell louder,
'You Sign! You sign!'
Nelson says to him, 'Look, you've obviously got the wrong man', and shuts
the door in his face.
The next day he hears a knock at the door again.
When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake
He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling,
'You sign! You sign!'
Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little
Chinese man back, shouting:
'Look, go away! You've got the wrong man. I don't want them!' Then he slams
the door in his face again.
The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a
knock on the door again.
On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a
clipboard under his nose, shouting,
'You sign! You sign!'
Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts.
This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little Man by
his shirt front and yells at him:
'Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name!
Who do you want to give these to?'
The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and
(It's a beauty)
(Wait for it)
(Get your best Chinese accent ready)
'You not Nissan Main Deala?'
A Primary Teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Liverpool fans.
Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.
The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, 'Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?'
'Because I'm not a Liverpool fan,' she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not a Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?'
'I am a Man United fan, and proud of it,' Mary replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Mary, why, pray tell, why are you a Man United fan?'
'Because my mum is a Man United fan, and my dad is a Man United fan, so I'm a Man United fan too!'
'Well,' said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no reason for you to be a Man United fan.
You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time... What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?'
'Then,' Mary smiled, 'I'd be a Liverpool fan.------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A short guy is sitting at a bar just staring at his drink for half an
Hour when this big trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his
Drink, gulps it down in one swig and then turns to the guy with a
Menacing stare as if to say, 'What'cha gonna do about it?"
The poor little guy starts crying.
"Come on man, I was just giving you a hard time," the biker says. "I
Didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between sobs.
"I can't do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important
Meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found
My car was stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in
The cab I took home. "He continues crying even harder. "Then I found
My wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me. So, I came to this
Bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then
You show up and drink the f****** poison.."
The Benefits Of Green Tea ..…
A woman goes into the doctor’s all bruised and beaten up pretty badly.
The Doctor says, "My god ...... what happened?"
The Woman replied, "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home after a few beers he beats me up."
The Doctor says, "Well, I have a really good remedy for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just make a cup of green tea, take a sip and start swirling it in your mouth. Don't drink it, just swirl it around and around for a while."
Two weeks later she comes back to the doctor and looks all healthy and fresh again.
The woman says, "Doctor, that green tea thing is brilliant! Every time my husband comes home drunk, I sip and swirl repeatedly with green tea and he never touches me now."
The Doctor replied, "Excellent ….... so now you can see why keeping your mouth shut is such a good idea!!!"
The Devil made me do it!
Sunday, July 04, 2010
Thursday, July 01, 2010
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't
drink from my glass!
Last night my wife met me at the front door.. She was wearing a sexy negligee.
The only trouble was, she was coming home.
A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over.
Nobody was home!
A hooker once told me she had a headache.
I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.
If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, 'Are you going to
hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No, I hate myself now.'
I knew a girl so ugly... they used her in prisons to cure sex offenders.
My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches
I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?' He
said, 'Because you came home early.'
My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.
I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom
My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.
My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex; she called me from Chicago last
My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had
anything to play with.