Wednesday, June 30, 2010
This is a brand, spanking new 300,000 ton tanker equipped to vacuum up and centrifuge (i.e. separate the oil from the water) about 75,000 tons a day and Lloyd's classified - the most exacting classification society for shipping - and the coast guard is questioning whether she meets their standards? Give me a break!
More likely, this has something to do with being Liberian registered and not manned and operated in accordance with The Jones Act - requires American flag, all American crew - and far too many of them - and a bunch of other stuff to satisfy union requirements.
How to Tell the Sex of a Fly
Oldie but a goodie…
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her Husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?"
"Oh! Killing any?"
Intrigued, she asked.
"How can you tell them apart?"
"3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone
SENIOR DRESS CODE
Many of us 'Old Folks' (over 50) are quite confused today about how we should present ourselves.
Feeling 'young', we try to conform to current fashions and present a youthful image.
Contrary to what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided:
1. A nose ring and bifocals
2. Spiked hair and bald spots
3. A pierced tongue and dentures
4. Miniskirts and support hose
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads
6. Speedo's and cellulite
7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
10. Bikinis and liver spots
11. Mini skirts and varicose veins
And, Most importantly
At some point you have to give up the 'DAISY DUKE' shorts
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
...Both men, aged 34, used an air rifle to fire at each other and ended up in hospital...Apparently, the men were sharing a few beers when they thought it would be interesting to see if they shot at one another with an air rifle, it would penetrate their skin and hurt!...well duh! :))
...Initially, the two men from the base of the Grampians (near Melbourne)...hey up Babs!...thought they were fine....However, two days after the event, both were admitted to hospital and required surgery to remove slug pellets from their buttocks and legs...
...One of the men has been stripped of his firearms licence over the incident...no kidding! :))
Monday, June 28, 2010
Friday, June 25, 2010
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Monday, June 21, 2010
A few minutes before the services started,
The people were seated in their pews and talking.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon everyone had exited the church except
For one elderly gentleman who sat calmly
in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious
to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying,
physical AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well,
why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied,
"Been married to your sister for over 48 years."
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Friday, June 18, 2010
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
This caused a big argument because all the parts thought that they should be the boss as they believed that they were of equal importance and knew just as much about the job of running the body as the brain did. “Furthermore!” said the brain, "I think that I should be the boss because everything stems from the brain and I control all of the body's responses and functions."
The feet said, "We should be the boss since we carry the brain and everyone else about and get them to where they want to go." The hands argued, "We should be the boss because we do all the work and earn all the money."
“Don’t forget us!” the heart and lungs said in unison, “ We supply the fuel to keep you all functioning, where would you be without us!”
As the argument raged, a voice suddenly spoke, “What about me, why can’t I be the boss?”
“Who said that?” said the brain. “ It’s the Arsehole!” retorted the hands. ”Whoever heard of an Arsehole being a boss!” said the heart and lungs.
All the parts sniggered at the idea of an asshole being the boss.
This upset the Arsehole so much that it went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.
Within a short time, the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched and began to sweat, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic, the stomach bulged and the brain fevered.
As the days went by, everyone realised that this state of affairs could not go on and eventually all the parts called a meeting. After much debate, it was reluctantly decided that the asshole should become the Boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just sat around and passed out the shit!
Moral of The Story: Even if you have the brains to become the boss, an asshole will often have the last say.
He begs her: "Fairy godmother, please make me green like the other toads. I am tired of being so visible to predators and suchlike."
The fairy godmother whips out her magic wand and says, "Toadra-capokus! You're green!"
The toad looks down and sees that he is green except for his package, which is still yellow. He says to the fairy godmother: "Wait a minute! My pecker's still yellow!"
To this the fairy godmother replies: "I don't do johnsons. You will have to go see The Wizard of Oz for that." The toad thanks her and hops off on his way.
There is a purple bear wandering about the very same woods. As luck would have it, he also encounters the very same fairy godmother. He implores her: "Fairy godmother, please make me brown like all the other bears. None of the lady bears want to be seen with me on account that the hunters can spot me from a mile off."
She, being a nice fairy godmother, takes out her magic wand and says:"Bearus-cadabra! You're brown!"
The bear looks down and sees that he is, in fact, brown with the exception of the ole twig and berries. They remain purple. He says: "My wang is still purple!" She says: "I don't do units, you will have to go see The Wizard of Oz for that."
To this the bear replies: "Well that's just dandy, but how the hell do I find The Wizard of Oz?"
The fairy godmother answers: "That's easy... just follow the yellowdick Toad!"
Eye halve a spelling chequer it came with my pea sea.
It plainly marques, four my revue,
miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word
and weight four it two say,
Weather eye am wrong oar write
it shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid,
it nose bee fore two long.
And eye can put the error rite
it's rare lea ever wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw it,
I am shore your pleased two no.
Its letter perfect awl the weigh,
my chequer tolled me sew.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Monday, June 14, 2010
Sunday, June 13, 2010
...and now I'm finking, just why does 'Sarfend' figure large in the making of fings...and I wanna say hey up Alex but don't exactly know whoi, and cannot check exactly whoi in da scope of fings innit, mainly 'cos I'm tapping this out on an alien laptop after a hard days trudging up hill and down dale about Hadleigh Castle and separated from me usual comfort zone and all dat jazz too! :))
...anyhoo, 'tis someone's birfday on the morrow if memory serves, and 'tis either Bob's or Paul's...but, as I said, being separated from me kitchen diary an' aaal dat jazz, I'm not altogether sure which, so I wish you both the same as don't want to miss either!...
...an' I'll catch up on the morrow...laters as the saying goes innit eh!...
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Wednesday, June 09, 2010
Tuesday, June 08, 2010
No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.
He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
- Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
- Why the early bird gets the worm;
- Life isn't always fair;
- And maybe it was my fault after all.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound, financial policies, (don't spend more than you can earn), and reliable strategies, (adults, not children, are in charge).
His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned, but overbearing, regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.
It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student - but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses, and criminals received better treatment than their victims.
Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.
Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realise that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents 'Truth' and 'Trust'; by his wife, 'Discretion'; by his daughter, 'Responsibility' and by his son, 'Reason'.
He is survived by 4 stepbrothers;
- I Know My Rights
- I Want It Now
- Someone Else Is To Blame
- I'm A Victim
Not many attended his funeral because so few realised he was gone.
Monday, June 07, 2010
The only cow in a small town in Scotland stopped giving milk..
The towns folk found they could buy a cow in Wales quite cheaply.
They brought the cow from Wales and it was wonderful, produced lots of
milk every day and everyone was happy.
They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd
never have to worry about their milk supply again.
They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull
tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away.
No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from
the bull and he was never able to do the deed..
The people were very upset and decided to go the Vet, who was very
wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice.
"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away.
If he approaches from the back, she moves forward, they said
When he approaches her from the front, she backs off.
If he attempts from the one side, she walks away to the other side.
"The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking,
"Did you by chance, buy this cow in Wales ?"
The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they
had brought the cow over from Wales .
"You are truly a wise Vet," they said..
“ How did you know we got the cow from Wales ?
"The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye,
"My wife is from Wales "
Sunday, June 06, 2010
Wednesday, June 02, 2010
Here's a little trivia for automotive buffs or just to dazzle your friends.
The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner.
On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees. The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.
Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car. They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately. The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent. The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,' on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.
Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords. They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown.
And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show -- Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max -- on the controls.
I can hear your groans from here. :-)