Friday, January 29, 2010
Thursday, January 28, 2010
What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I'm retarded and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in hospital last time, but that I'd lost 2 stones before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit us both.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
I'm now banned from the Co-op.
Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say.
Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen restaurant because the waitress's there have low cut blouses and nice breasts.
10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also.
10 years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.
10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.
10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because they have never been there before.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Friday, January 22, 2010
Thursday, January 21, 2010
LIVING IN THE HIGHLANDS
'OUR FIRST WINTER '
20TH It's starting to snow. The first of the season and the first we've
for years. The wife and I took out our hot toddies and sat on the porch
watching the fluffy soft flakes drift gently down clinging to the trees and
covering the ground. It's so beautiful and peaceful.
DEC 24th We
awoke to a lovely blanket of crystal white glistening snow covering as far
as the eye could see. What a fantastic sight, every tree and bush covered
with a beautiful white mantle. I shovelled snow for the first time ever and
loved it. I did both our driveway and the pavement. Later that day a
snowplough came along and accidentally covered up our driveway with
compacted snow from the street. The driver smiled and waved. I waved back
and shovelled it away again. The children next door built a snowman with
coal for eyes and a carrot for a nose, and had a snowball fight, a couple
just missed me and hit the car so I threw a couple back and joined in their
DEC 26th It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and the
temperature dropped to around minus 8 degrees. Several branches on our
and bushes snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shovelled our driveway
again. Shortly afterwards the snowplough came by and did his trick again.
Much of the snow is now a brownish - grey.
JAN 1st Warmed up enough
during the day to create some slush which soon became ice when the
temperature dropped again. Bought snow tyres for both our cars £500.
my arse in the driveway. £100 to a physio but nothing was broken.
JAN 5th Still cold. Sold the wife's car and bought her a 4x4 to get her
She slid into a wall and did considerable damage to the right wing - £200.
Had another 8 inches of white shite last night. Both vehicles are
salt and iced up slush that bastard snowplough came by twice today. Where's
that bloody shovel.
JAN 9th More f*****g snow. Not a tree or bush on
our property that hasn't been damaged. Power was off most of the night.
Tried to keep from freezing to death with candles and a paraffin heater
which tipped over and nearly torched the house. I managed to put the flames
out but suffered 2nd Degree burns on my hands. Lost all my eye brows and
eyelashes. Car hit a f*****g deer on the way to casualty and was written
JAN 13th F*****g b*****d white shite just keeps on coming down.
Have to put on every article of clothing just to go to the post box. The
little c***s next door ambushed me with snowballs on the way back - I'll
shove that carrot so far up the little pricks arse it'll take good
hours to find it. If I ever catch the arsehole that drives the snowplough
I'll chew open his chest and rip out his heart with my teeth. I think the
b*****d hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shovelling and
then he accelerates down the street like Michael 'f*****g' Schumacher and
buries he f*****g driveway again.
JAN 17th 16 more sodding inches of
f*****g snow and f*****g ice and f*****g sleet and god knows what other
white shite fell last night. I am in court in 3 months time for assaulting
the snowplough driver with an ice - pick.
Can't move my f*****g toes.
Haven't seen the sun for 5 weeks. Minus 20 and more f*****g snow
F**K THIS, I'M MOVING BACK TO LONDON
Mr Cadbury and Miss Kraft met on a Double Decker, it was After Eight
She was from Quality Street ; he was a Fisherman's Friend.
On the way they stopped at a Yorkie Bar, he had a Rum and Butter and she had a
He asked her name, 'Polo, I'm the one with the hole' she said.
'I'm the one with the nuts,' he thought!
Then he touched her Milky Way.
They checked in to a hotel, and went straight to the bedroom. Mr Cadbury
turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic.
It wasn't long before he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt her
Cream Egg. He fondled her Flap Jacks then he showed her his Curly Wurly and
Miss Kraft wasn't keen to have any Jelly Babies, so she let him take a
trip down Bourneville Boulevard via her Party Ring. He was pleased as he
always fancied a bit of Fudge. It was a magic moment as she let out a scream of
When he pulled out, his fun size Mars Bar felt a bit Crunchie. She wanted
more, but he needed Time Out, however, he noticed her Pink Wafers looked
very appetizing. He did a Twirl, had a Picnic in her Sherbet Dip and
finished off by giving her a Gob Stopper!
Unfortunately, 3 days later his Magnum lolly started to drip. It turned out
Miss Kraft had been with Bertie Basset who had Allsorts.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
...This little experiment, dreamed up by an orthopaedic surgeon, takes about two seconds...it will certainly confuse yer mind and I bet you will keep trying over and over again to see if you can outsmart your foot, but you can't! It is pre-programmed in your brain!...
1. While sitting at your desk or a table in front of your computer, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.
2. Now, whilst doing this, draw the number '6' in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction...oh yes it will!...
...told ya so!...and there's nothing you can do about it!...and afore the day is done you are going to try it again, if you've not already done so! :))
Funnier yet, I sent this to a Chinese doctor who E-mailed the following back to me: "If the light stays on for more than 4 hours, call your "erectrician."
The very first ever Blonde GUY joke..... And well worth the wait!
An Irishman , a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, 'Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building.'
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, 'Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too.'
The blonde opened his lunch and said, ' Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too..'
The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.
The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, 'If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!'
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, 'I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much.'
(Oh this is GOOD!!)
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said, 'Don't look at me. The idiot makes his own lunch.'
After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was enough, as the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't
strong enough to nick one.
The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to
go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The Scouser said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my
ear is going to help me.'
'Trust me, it will do the job', said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: '1, 2, 3, 4, 5,' at which point he
paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in Middlesbrough, parts of Bradford, Hull and anywhere in Wales and Ireland .
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Are you aware that a new world record has been set for the HIGH JUMP
From a KNEELING position ?
The record (0.757 meters) - remember this is from a KNEELING position -
Was set recently on a beach near Montpellier in Southern France .
This photograph was taken a split second before the jump -
But it gives you an idea as to how it was achieved....
Monday, January 18, 2010
I'm in the process of renewing my passport but I am a total loss to understand or believe the hoops I am being asked to jump through.
How is it that Bert Smith of T.V. Rentals Basingstoke has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a satellite dish from them back in 1994, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date?
How come that nice West African immigrant chappy who comes round every Thursday night with his DVD rentals van can tell me every film or video I have had out since he started his business up eleven years ago, yet you still want me to remind you of my last three jobs, two of which were with contractors working for the government?
How come the T.V. detector van can tell if my T.V. is on, what channel I am watching and whether I have paid my licence or not, and yet if I win the government run lottery they have no idea I have won or where I am and will keep the bloody money to themselves if I fail to claim in good time.
Do you people do this by hand?
You have my birth date on numerous files you hold on me, including the one with all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30-odd years. It's on my health insurance card, my driver's licence, on the last four passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the planes and boats over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done every ten years and the electoral registration forms I have to complete, by law, every time our lords and masters are up for re-election.
Would somebody please take note, once and for all, I was born in Maidenhead on the xth of xxxx 19xx, my mother's name is Mary, her maiden name was Reynolds, my father's name is Robert, and I'd be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and the day I die!
I apologise Minister. I'm obviously not myself this morning. But between you and me, I have simply had enough! You mail the application to my house, then you ask me for my address. What is going on? Do you have a gang of Neanderthals working there? Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to activate the Fifth Reich for God's sake! I just want to go and park my weary backside on a sunny, sandy beach for a couple of week's well-earned rest away from all this crap.
Well, I have to go now, because I have to go to back to Salisbury and get another copy of my birth certificate because you lost the last one. AND to the tune of 60 quid! What a racket THAT is!! Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day? But nooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us running all over the place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some tosser to confirm that it's really me on the goddamn picture - you know... the one where we're not allowed to smile in case we look as if we are enjoying the process!
Hey, you know why we can't smile? 'Cause we're totally jacked off!
I served in the armed forces for more than 25 years including over ten years at the Ministry of Defence in London. I have had security clearances which allowed me to sit in the Cabinet Office, five seats away from the Prime Minister while he was being briefed on the first Gulf War and I have been doing volunteer work for the British Red Cross ever since I left the Services. However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am -- you know, someone like my doctor...
who, before he got his medical degree 6 months ago WAS LIVING IN PAKISTAN...
An Irate British Citizen
Believe that this is the door! The sign, if you were a junior, reads"abandon hope all that enter here" Again, I think ,the last part of the name reads as "stube". Have asked John Papworth,who owns the original to have a look to see if it is more readable on his photograph.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Saturday, January 16, 2010
"Good morning from warm London.Can you tell Alex on the blog that if he wants real cold he should go up North.You can spot the Yorkshire men here-they are wearing shorts ".
That should give Alex something to get his teeth into.