Wednesday, December 30, 2009

New game

Good Day and welcome to a brand new edition of


'ASYLUM'.
Today's program
features another chance to take part in our exciting competition:
HIJACK AN AIRLINER

and win

A COUNCIL HOUSE !

We've already given away hundreds of millions of pounds and thousands of dream homes, courtesy of our sponsor,

The British Taxpayer.
And don't forget, we're now the fastest growing game on the planet.


Anyone can play, provided they don't already hold a valid British Passport, and you only need one word of English:

'ASYLUM'

Prizes include all-expenses-paid accommodation, cash benefits starting at £180 a week and a chance to earn thousands more by begging, mugging, burgling and
accosting drivers at traffic lights.
This competition is open to everyone
buying a ticket or stowing away on one of our partner airlines, ferry companies or Eurostar.


No application ever refused
- reasonable or unreasonable.
All you have to do is destroy all your papers and remember the magic password:
'ASYLUM'

A few years ago, 140 members of a Taliban family from Afghanistan were flown Goat Class from Kabul to our international gateway at Stansted where local
law enforcement officers were on hand to fast-track them to their luxury
£200-a-night rooms in the fabulous four star Hilton Hotel.
They joined tens of thousands of other lucky winners already staying in hotels all over Britain ......
Our most popular destinations also include the White Cliffs of Dover and the world famous Toddington Services area, in Historic Bedfordshire.


If you still don't understand the rules, don't forget, there's no need to phone a friend or ask the audience

Just apply for legal aid.

Hundreds of lawyers, social workers and counsellors are waiting to help - FREE

It won't cost you a penny.
It could change your life forever
..
So play today.


Iraqi terrorists, Afghan dissidents, Albanian gangsters, pro-Pinochet
activists, anti-Pinochet activists, Kosovan drug-smugglers, Tamil Tigers,
bogus Bosnians, Rwandan mass murderers, Somali guerrillas...the list is endless

EVERYONE IS WELCOME - INCLUDING ALL YOUR OWN WIVES AND CHILDREN
COME ON DOWN !


Get along to the airport !

Get along to the lorry park !
Get along to the ferry terminal !
Don't stop in Germany or France !

All European countries will willingly speed you on your way !
Come straight to Britain

And you are:

**** GUARANTEED ****

to be one of tens of thousands of lucky winners in the easiest game on earth.

Everyone's a winner, when they play
'ASYLUM'

Happy birthday Alex


On 1st January 2010 a new European directive comes into force. It requires all lettering to be displayed in larger print for older people. The older you are, the larger the print.

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

....and here's another fairy tale!

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess.... '"Will you marry me?"




The Princess said, "NO!!!"




And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up whenever he wanted.

The End

A year end rant!

First, may I wish all our readers a very happy 2010.

Second, as previously discussed, political correctness is social ineptitude!

Third, following on from second above, I believe I have a solution for the greater proportion of threat presented by potential terrorists on US operated, international aircraft:

a) if your name is not clearly of European origin
b) if you cannot prove at least second generation American citizenship,
c) if your skin colour is any shade of dark
d) if you wear bedsheets with tea towels held in place by fanbelts

and you want to fly on an aircraft operated by any US airline, then

YOU FLY NAKED

or use your own damned country's airlines!

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Merry Christmas

The shops are closed
The shops are closed and it is cold outside. I am near a nice warm fire, the turkey is waiting to to go into the oven and the wine is ready for drinking. Merry Christmas all you bloggers and may 2010 bring you all good health and happiness.

Stille Nacht (Silent Night )

Wishing everyone a wonderful Christmas and a healthy, happy and successful 2010.

Some Things to do in 2010 to Help Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice!
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks . Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to
Espresso.
5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ' For Marijuana.
6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.
7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
8.. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.
9. Sing Along At The Opera.
10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.
11. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'
12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
13. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity

14. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.

Monday, December 21, 2009

Off to Tenerife for 10 Days

Best wishes and have a great time this Christmas.

 

406119663_d8f501d7e1

After returning from the nearest bar............

a touch of nostalgia...


Saturday, December 19, 2009

Items outside the incessant 'global warming' news.

Seasons best to all. Kathy and I are monitoring two events that are happening at the moment. 1) A 16 yr. old, intrepid Australian girl, Jessica Watson, is approximately 7000 miles in to her solo attempt to circumnavigate the globe. http://www.jessicawatson.com/ she is giving daily reports and some pics. Her obvious maturity is most interesting (Granny must be from Drake ;-)
2) The Olympic torch is being streamed live 24/7 on http://www.ctvolympics.ca/ This is a 45000 km. (yes Fourty Five Thousand) trip across the country from Sea, to Sea, to Sea. 12000 torch bearers each carry it 300 meters. At present it is crossing Southern Ontario towards Windsor (across from Detroit.usa) . Take a look at this and see the enthusiasm of the crowds.

Happy Christmas Bloggers

Dear PRS Bloggers

just wanted to wish you all a very happy Christmas and all the best for 2010.
Thank you for making the blog such a jolly read, don't get to read it much but when I do it is full of fun - love the latest ramblings particularly when stuff refers to age.

Now dear Terry W has gone I will need something else to replace his early morning cheeriness so will have to start looking on the blog on a more regular basis!

Have a great holiday you all and catch up in the new year....
lots of love

Sue B
Collingwood 64-67

It's no better down south

Just to make you northerners feel better. I arrived back from Spain yesterday afternoon and half an hour later it snowed here. This morning it's absolutely "freezo" with a 60 mph wind from the north that could freeze the particles off a brass monkey. 

Friday, December 18, 2009

Ooooopsssssssss!!!

Never ever
Never ever


Fart in a wet suit!

Thursday, December 17, 2009

It's grim up North

One for all those with furry friends......

The following was found posted very low on a refrigerator door.

Dear Dogs and Cats: The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my food does not make it yours, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this inconvenience to you. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort, however. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but being a smart-ass..

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine/feline attendance is not required.(This sounds like some ex gf's)

The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell and kiss the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough. This also applies to eating things found in the yard or cat box.

Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door:


TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:

(1) They live here. You don't.
(2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes,you can either remove your clothes (this only applies to certain of you) or stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'-niture.
(3) I like most pets a lot better than I like most people.
(4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters/brothers/sisters/best friends,etc. who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly. (Sounds like most of my friends anyway)

Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
(1) eat less,
(2) don't ask for money all the time,
(3) are easier to train,
(4) normally come when called,
(5) never ask to drive the car,
(6) don't smoke or drink,
(7) don't want to wear your clothes,
(8) don't have to buy the latest fashions,
(9) don't need a gazillion dollars for college,

(10) don't leave a constant trail of dirty clothes, dishes, food wrappers, and general filth in their wake,

(11) don't have a self centered, shitty attitude most of the time,

(12) and, best of all, if they get pregnant, you can sell their children ... this one is especially nice.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

ONLY A MOTHER WOULD KNOW...

Cup of Tea ~

One day my mother was out, and my dad was in charge of me.
I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys.
Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.
My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy; and she watched him drink it up.
Then she said, (as only a mother would know), "'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"

Old fart beer

Merriman's Old Fart ABV 5% - Have not seen or heard of this one before but apparently sold in West Yorkshire

Two rainbows for price of one


Celebrating possible World cup 2018 in Nottingham - we had 2 rainbows - I know the top one is bit faint but you can't have everything

Love Making Tips For Seniors - and some other stuff

1. Wear your glasses.
To make sure your partner is actually in the bed.

2. Set timer for 3 minutes,
In case you doze off in the middle.

3. Set the mood with lighting.
(Turn them ALL OFF!)

4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.

5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.

6. Use extra polygrip so your teeth don't end up under the bed.

7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act..

8. Make all the noise you want...
The neighbours are deaf too.

9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news!!

10. Don't even think about trying it twice. .. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .




'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs And make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!'

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes And you're barefoot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

'OLD' IS WHEN....
You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police .

'OLD' IS WHEN..
'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take any fiber today.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.

AND

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are not sure if these are facts or jokes?

For Our Canadian Bloggers!

GO CANADA!

More Governments should also adopt similar tactics........
Take a minute to read this... its quite humorous !!

A lady Canadian libertarian wrote a lot of letters to the government, complaining about the treatment of captive insurgents (terrorists) being held in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities.
She received back the following reply:
National Defence Headquarters
MGen George R. Pearkes Bldg, 15 NT
101 Colonel By Drive
Ottawa , ON K1A 0K2

Canada

Dear Concerned Citizen,

Thank you for your recent letter expressing your profound concern of treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda terrorists captured by Canadian Forces who were subsequently transferred to the Afghanistan Government and are currently being held by Afghan officials in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities.

Our administration takes these matters seriously and your opinions were heard loud and clear here in Ottawa .

You will be pleased to learn, thanks to the concerns of citizens like yourself; we are creating a new department here at the Department of National Defence, to be called 'Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers' program, or L.A.R.K. for short.

In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to divert one terrorist and place him in your personal care.

Your personal detainee has been selected and is scheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence in Toronto next Monday.

Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed ) is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of complaint.

It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers.. We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommend in your letter.

Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his 'attitudinal problem' will help him overcome these character flaws.

Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences.

We understand that you plan to offer counselling and home schooling.

Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers.

We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these skills at your next yoga group.

He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless (in your opinion) this might offend him.

Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters (except sexually) since he views females as a subhuman form of property.

This is a particularly sensitive subject for him and he has been known to show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the new dress code that he will recommend as more appropriate attire.

I'm sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka over time. Just remember that it is all part of 'respecting his culture and religious beliefs' as described in your letter.

Thanks again for your concern. We truly appreciate it when folks like you keep us informed of the proper way to do our job and care for our fellow man.
You take good care of Ahmed and remember we'll be watching.

Good luck and God bless you.

Cordially,
Gordon O'Connor

Minister of National Defence

Another from Squirrel


I don't want to grow old!
I got a new stick of deodorant today. The instructions said, Remove cap and push up bottom. I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells lovely!

Is this the one you mean, Carol?

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Can't stop me now

I Have Returned!

Hi All!

Back from short trip to FREEZING Switzerland! Must be mad.

Received this on my return

 

Scouts Camping Trip
Dear Mom,

Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and got worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue Jeeps. It was great. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.

Scoutmaster Ted got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up?

The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes.
Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Ted gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the crash. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Ted said that with a bus that old, you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.

We think it's a super bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the bumpers. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the policeman stopped and talked to us.

Scoutmaster Ted is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Horace how to drive on the mountain roads where there aren't any cops. All we ever see up there are huge logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Ted wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast (it's concrete because we didn't have any plaster), so he let us take the canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.

Scoutmaster Ted isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we all got to see how a tourniquet works.

Steve and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Ted said it was probably just food poisoning from the left-over chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?

I have to go now. We are going to town to post our letters and buy some more beer and ammo. Don't worry about anything. We are fine and tonight it's my turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster's tent.

My God, Have I done it?

Any photos of town walks?

For those who don't see the TWA site - someone from the WHV Zeitung is writing an article and wants to know if we have any photos of pupils taken in the town, preferably in the early days of the school As pupils weren't allowed in the town back then we haven't got any in the TWA Memorabilia collection. He is also interested in photos slightly later but we haven't got any of these either! If anyone has photos, taken in the town - preferably in school uniform but not necessary -can they let me know and I will pass the information on

One from Bob

Monday, December 14, 2009

"Send Rudolphe we're grounded"


Seasons best to one and all from 'The Great White North'

Merry Christmas everyone!!!

Hi all - I am of to UK tomorow to spend Christmas with my dear old Dad and some of my children and grandchildren. I know we will be having a fabulous time - I hope the same applies to all of you, and so I wish you a wonderful Christmas and a Happy and Healthy 2010.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

more silliness

Little Jesus, sweetly sleep, do not stir;
We will lend a coat of fur,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you:

Fur is no longer appropriate wear for small infants, both due to risk of allergy to animal fur, and for ethical reasons. Therefore faux fur, a nice cellular blanket or perhaps micro-fleece material should be considered a suitable alternative.

Please note, only persons who have been subject to a Criminal Records Bureau check and have enhanced clearance will be permitted to rock baby Jesus. Persons must carry their CRB disclosure with them at all times and be prepared to provide three forms of identification before rocking commences.


Jingle Bells

Dashing through the snow
In a one horse open sleigh
O'er the fields we go
Laughing all the way

A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered safe for members of the public to travel on. The risk assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly if passengers are of larger proportions. Please note, permission must be gained from landowners before entering their fields. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.


While Shepherds Watched

While shepherds watched
Their flocks by night
All seated on the ground,
The angel of the Lord came down
And glory shone around

The Union of Shepherds has complained that it breaches health and safety regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate seating arrangements being provided, therefore benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available. Shepherds have also requested that due to the inclement weather conditions at this time of year that they should watch their flocks via cctv cameras from centrally heated shepherd observation huts.
Please note, the Angel of the Lord is reminded that before shining his / her glory all around she / he must ascertain that all shepherds have been issued with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and the overwhelming effects of Glory.


Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer

Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer
had a very shiny nose.
And if you ever saw him,
you would even say it glows.

You are advised that under the Equal Opportunities for All Policy, it is inappropriate for persons to make comment with regard to the ruddiness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from the Reindeer Games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence. A full investigation will be implemented and sanctions - including suspension on full pay - will be considered whilst this investigation takes place.


Little Donkey

Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road
Got to keep on plodding onwards with your precious load

The RSPCA have issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load that a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry, also included in the guidelines is guidance regarding how often to feed the donkey and how many rest breaks are required over a four hour plodding period. Please note that due to the increased risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary and Joseph are required to wear face masks to prevent inhalation of any airborne particles. The donkey has expressed his discomfort at being labeled 'little' and would prefer just to be simply referred to as Mr. Donkey. To comment upon his height or lack thereof may be considered an infringement of his equine rights.


We Three Kings

We three kings of Orient are
Bearing gifts we traverse afar
Field and fountain, moor and mountain
Following yonder star

Whilst the gift of gold is still considered acceptable - as it may be redeemed at a later date through such organisations as 'Cash for Gold' etc, gifts of frankincense and myrrh are not appropriate due to the potential risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. A suggested gift alternative would be to make a donation to a worthy cause in the recipients name or perhaps give a gift voucher.
We would not advise that the traversing kings rely on navigation by stars in order to reach their destinations and suggest the use of RAC Routefinder or satellite navigation, which will provide the quickest route and advice regarding fuel consumption. Please note as per the guidelines from the RSPCA for Mr Donkey, the camels carrying the three kings of Orient will require regular food and rest breaks. Facemasks for the three kings are also advisable due to the likelihood of dust from the camel feet.

Away in a Manger No Crib for a Bed - This is definitely one for Social Services!

The good old days.............

When I were a lad, me Mam would send me down to t'corner shop wi' a

tanner, an' I'd come back wi' five pound o' spuds, two loaves o'

bread, three pints o' milk, a pound o' cheese, a packet o' tea, an' 'alf

a dozen eggs. Yer can't do that now.



Too many effin' security cameras.

Tuesday, December 08, 2009

Wishing all our readers a Merry Christmas..............

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OIaxHZtNfgo
AHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
puppy

My last post for a few days as off to "Sunny Switzerland"

Monday, December 07, 2009

Gamston again

Sorry about the quality of this,blame the photographer.
The lovely Jack,Carol and Marguerite. Jack's shirt was the most delicate shade of pink,and the tie was coordinated.Please note we were all drinking coffee.

Gamston today


Joan Thurston (Collingwood early 50s) and Barry Paice same house,same era.
How to baffle a Drake Boy!!
Fooling Drake Boys

Sunday, December 06, 2009

A Christie Mystery! Or Not

permon5758l

BR L-R. C.Barrow, T.Trantor, M.Branch, R.Hylden(snr), J.Papworth, P.Nash.
FR L-R. M.Swift, J.Christie, R.Austen, P.Plowman, I.C.D.Stewart.

One for Alex. Seem to be mixing up my Christies! There were two then!

Not everyone is in a festive mood

A sullen Santa has been sacked in the town of Evesham, Worcestershire for being too grumpy. (Daily Telegraph report.)

Friday, December 04, 2009

The ultimate in paranoia??

This should enlarge for you - am I glad I live north of the border? You bet your a.. I am, and no apologies:))

Have I been forgotten...

Still no Cavalier here, and I see that Babs has got hers - all the way to Australia:) Perhaps the mail van was robbed before it got to Heathrow? One more day this week for mail delivery, none on Saturday, so there is hope yet.

Thursday, December 03, 2009

Wednesday, December 02, 2009


What's the difference between a golf ball and a Cadilac?
Tiger Woods can drive a golf ball straight for four hundred yards. boom boom!