Sunday, August 31, 2008
...on the move...
Friday, August 29, 2008
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Classic military observations.....
- Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.
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"Aim towards the Enemy."
- Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher
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"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground."
- USAF Ammo Troop
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"If the enemy is in range, so are you."
- Infantry Journal
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"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed."
- U.S. Air Force Manual
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"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo."
- Infantry Journal
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"You, you, and you, panic. The rest of you, come with me."
- U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.
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"Tracers work both ways."
- U.S. Army Ordnance
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"Five second fuses only last three seconds."
- Infantry Journal
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"Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything."
- U.S. Navy Swabbie
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- David Hackworth
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"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush."
- Infantry Journal
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"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection."
- Joe Gay
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"Any ship can be a minesweeper . once."
- Anonymous
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"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do."
- Unknown Marine Recruit
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"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you."
- Your Buddies
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"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him."
- USAF Ammo Troop
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"Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death . I Shall Fear No Evil. For I
am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing."
- At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base Kadena, Japan
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"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3."
- Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)
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"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."
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"Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky."
- From an old carrier sailor
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"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it’s probably a helicopter - and therefore, unsafe."
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"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough
power left to get you to the scene of the crash."
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"Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club."
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"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?
If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, the pilot dies."
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The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: "Why is it doing that?” "Where are we?" and "Oh S...!"
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"Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers."
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"Progress in airline flying: now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant."
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"Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight."
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"A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a
row is prevarication."
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"Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the
purpose of storing dead batteries."
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"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a
person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about
it."
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"When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten."
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Advice given to Police pilots by Premier: "When a prang (crash) seems
inevitable, endeavour to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slowly and gently as possible."
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"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely
kill you."
- Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
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"A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to
its maximum."
- Jon McBride, astronaut
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"If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the
crash as possible."
- Bob Hoover (renowned aerobatic and test pilot)
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"Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you."
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"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime."
- Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970
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"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."
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Basic Flying Rules: "Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It
is much more difficult to fly there."
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"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal."
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As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn
off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives;
the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks "What happened?" The
pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!"
- Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)
Today's smile
“How do I do that?” Asked the best man to be.
“Oh, simple…….you tell them a joke”.
“But I’m HOPELESS at telling jokes”.
“Well, as I recall, you’re quite good a poetry. Why don’t you recite an amusing poem?”
“Like what?”
“Like: There was a fellow called Skinner,
Who took a girl out to dinner.
At half past nine,
The sat down to dine
And at half past ten, it was in her……………..not Skinner……………..the dinner!”
Well, equipped with this sound advice and at the appropriate time in the ceremony, up stood the best man. He mumbled and fumbled and rather awkwardly started with:
“Um……..uh……..I’m told I have to get your attention!”
Smiling nervously, he continued, “There was a fellow called Tucker,
Who took a girl out to supper.
At half past nine,
They sat down to dine
And at half past ten, it was up her…………not tucker………some other f***er……..um……..uh………SKINNER!”
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Cape Breton,Nova Scotia
This is such a beautiful part of Atlantic Canada, thought you might like to see it, as I mentioned mountains in a comment to your video Paul. Jimmy Rankin in a member of the Rankin family of Cape Breton, a family group of great singers and musicians. Th windy road you see in part of the video is the Cabot Trail. I have been round it, and it is breathtaking.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Fleet 08
Di Wray and Roger Hall
Geoff and LLL
Barbara Steels with husband and not sure who the other guy is!
Liz Bird (Hughes) and Jock Wilson
Roger Hall and Bob Innes (first meeting after 40+ years!)
Ian 'Ginge' McNeil and wife Margaret and Julian again
Frances Burroughs (Warner) and Norma Kelly (Dunlevy ) and husband John's nose!
Tony and Sheila Jenns, Steve Barry and Frances again
Some of the 100 odd folk at the Lismoyne Hotel ... too busy chatting to get many more!
Monday, August 25, 2008
Sunday drive.
Saturday, August 23, 2008
Senors Rule!!!!
'Sounds good,' my wife said. 'But I don't want the eggs.'
'Then, I'll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents because you're ordering a la carte,' the waitress warned her.
'You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?' my wife askedincredulously.
'YES!!' stated the waitress.
'I'll take the special then,' my wife said.
'How do you want your eggs?' the waitress asked.
'Raw and in the shell,' my wife replied.
She took the two eggs home.
DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS!!! WE'VE been around the block more than once!
Friday, August 22, 2008
Good, Better, Best...
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Another mystery motor
Another '20' - for Paul
Some folk should be forced to wear 'I'M STUPID' signs
So, there I was, sat sitting there in the seating area reading my book and waiting on Jen. An (even more) elderly fellow apparently came in (I was engrossed and didn't notice him), he had made his way to the reception desk and noticed that nobody was sitting behind it. What a revelation THAT must have been because he marched over to where I was sitting and said to me rather loudly, "Is there nobody at reception, then?". Well.., a quick scan with the old optics confirmed his diagnosis. There was nobody at reception.
But why was this MY FAULT?
"Apparently you've got it in one," I said, "There is nobody at reception!"
He glared at me, turned on his heel and, muttering loudly, stalked off towards one of the various doors to other parts of the hospital. When he eventually found someone, he was as nice as pie to her. However, he saved one last shaft of body piercing X-ray vision for me as he left!
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Australian clarification
A further upto date when a work mate of mine arrived in Melbourne ( 1992) after a long flight from London and a few drinks, he was asked by Immigration , purpose of visit?
He replied work. He was then asked have you ever had a criminal record?
He with his drink courage replied Officer I did know it was still a requirement for entry.
He was told wait there Sir and was released 48 hours later with the local company pleading his case for discharge.
Read carefully.....
Monday, August 18, 2008
Culture...and its differences
The Asian fellow was indignant. With head wobbling and fingers bending back and palms outward, he started, “Vy should I sign ahn beck?” He protested, “Already I am signing ahn frahnt two times. Two times enough for anybahdy!” He pushed it back towards the teller.
Patiently, the teller returned the cheque again and said, “Sir, I cannot cash this cheque unless you sign it on the back.”
The Asian gentleman refused. The teller explained that he could take his cheque to any branch of any bank and he would be told exactly the same thing. The Asian gentlemen picked up his cheque and left the bank, muttering and gesticulating as he went. Further down the street, there was another branch of the same bank. He went in, joined a queue and, when he reached the window, pushed his cheque under the teller’s window. The teller picked it up, turned it over and, as the previous teller had done, pushed it back under the glass saying, “Sign it on the back, please Sir.”
The Asian gentlemen went into wobbly overdrive………palms flashing, fingers bending, he said, “I am explaining to other teller! Two times it is signing…..WHY TO SIGN IT AHN THE BACK?”
This teller had had it right up to the roots of his hair. He’d had kids in with their change jars, bits and bobs of cash receipts from various shops, customers who waited until they were at the window before starting on whatever paperwork they had. The public SUCKED! With no change in his expression he reached for and released the clips on either side of the glass window in front of him and raised it. He reached through and grabbed the Asian gentleman by the front of his shirt with one hand and rhythmically back and front handed him across the face with the other. As he did so, he shouted, each alternate syllable coinciding with a sharp slapping sound, “IF you WANT your MONey, SIGN it ON the FUCKing BACK!”
A few weeks later, the Asian gentleman was in the first bank again and happened to be in the line for the teller he’d seen when he first tried to cash his cheque. The teller recognized him and said, “So, were you able to get your money, Sir?”
“Vy yes”, Replied the Asian gentleman.
“And, did you sign the cheque on the back?”
“Vy yes”,
“Now why didn’t you save yourself all that trouble and just sign the thing when I asked you to?”
“Vell”, Said the Asian gentleman, “Other teller explaining MAAAACH better!”
Judas Asparagus:)
A child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible. This is amazing, and brought tears of laughter to my eyes. I wonder how often we take for granted that children understand what we are teaching???
Through the eyes of a child:
The Children's Bible in a Nutshell
In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, "The Lord thy God is one," but I think He must be a lot older than that.
Anyway, God said, "Give me a light!," and someone did. Then God made the world. He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet.
Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden. Not sure what they were driven in, though, because they didn't have cars. Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel. Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.
One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check. After Noah came Abraham, Isaac and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat. Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent 10 plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.
God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments.These include: Don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff. Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.
One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua, who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol, and the fence fell over on the town.
After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.
After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore. There were also some minor-league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.
After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of the New. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn.
(I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, "Close the door! Were you born in a barn?" It would be nice to say, "As a matter of fact, I was.")
During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Republicans. Jesus also had 12 opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.
Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the mount.
But the Republicans and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.
Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.
Yes! I managed to copy and paste.......
Youth and inexperience.......
He strode nonchalantly across to the bar and ordered a shot of Red Eye. The barman slid the bottle down the counter and the lad blocked it. A glass followed the bottle. The kid blocked that, too and poured himself a shot. He knocked it back and poured another. The barman, by this time, was standing opposite him. “That’s a mahdy fahn pair o’ guns yer got there, boy. Ah’d lahk ter take a look at one o’ them guns.”
Green as grass, the lad slipped one of his new guns out of its holster and laid it on the counter. The barman picked it up and examined it. “Mahdy fahn” He exclaimed, “But Ah’m gonna gi’ ye’ some advahce an’ Ah wan’ yer ter listen an’ listen good!”
He turned the gun over in his hands, examining it and then said, “Yer’ve abaht four an’ a half inches too much on this heah barrel – y’ain’ gonna need thet, cut it off – an’ take a rasp to it….smooth it down. This heah trigger hammer’s gonna git ‘n the way. Cut it down, man….and take the rasp to it – smooth it raht off. Yer trigger guard’s bulky, y’ain’ gonna need thet….cut it off….and get that rasp workin’…oh, an’ there’s abaht a inch an’ a half too much trigger….cut it off and smooth it down. Then, when yer done did that, take yer knahf an’ pry off these fancy bits on the sahd of the hand grip…an’ git thet rasp workin’! Once yer finished, cover the ENTIRE thang in bear grease an’ repeat it wi’ th’ other gun!”!”
The lad looked at him incredulously. “Why, in the name of good God Almahty, would Ah wanna go an do all THET to muh bran’ new guns?”
“Well, boy,” Replied the barman, “When yew came in heah, you’se loosin’ aff lead lahk thet’s goin’ outa fashion! One o’ them bullets severed the chord holdin’ the big chandelier raht over wheah Black Bart was havin’ him a quiet game o’ poker in the corner an’, raht now, he’s sleepin’ some………but, when he wakes up……he’s gonna shove them guns raht up your ass!”
The eyes have it!
Sunday, August 17, 2008
Thank God for Yorkshire!!!
Saturday, August 16, 2008
Friday, August 15, 2008
Logic
So, a Russian was walking along with a book tucked under his arm. A Georgian, whom he knew, fell into step. "Hellyo" Said the Georgian. "Ent hellyo to you" Replied the Russian.
"I see you heff a book"
"Jyes"
"What iyss iyt abowt?"
"Iyt's abowt lyodzic"
"Lyodzic? Whyat iss thyet?"
"Lyet me teyll jyou abowt lyodzic.......Jyou heff an akvarjyum?"
"Thyis tells me jyou like fyish - thyis iys lyodzic"
"If jyou like fyish, jyou probyably like other animals - dwogs? Cyats?"
"I LYOVE dwogs and cyats! Hyow dyid you know?"
"Lyodzic!"
"Iyf jyou lyove dwogs and cyats, jyou will like cows?"
"Of course I like cows"
"Thyis tyells me jyou probyably eat beef and enjoy to barbeque?"
"I do, I do, I LYOVE to barbeque"
And thyat, my Georgian fryient, tyells me jyou are a fyamily myan wyith a wife and kyids!"
"HYOW DO JYUO KNOW THYIS?"
"Lyodzic!"
The next day, the Georgian was making his way down the street and this time, he had a book under his arm. A Russian of his acquaintance fell into step. "Hjello" He said, "Whyat is thyat under your arm?"
"It's a BOOK"
"A BOOK.......but djou cyan't read! What's it abowt?"
"LYODZIC!"
"Really? What do djou know abowt lyodzic?"
"My fryient, lyet me tyell you abowt lyodzic........do jyuo heff an akvarjum?"
"No....I do not!"
"Oh.......MY GYOD..........JYOU ARE A HOMOSEXUAL!"
Political correctness?
American, I Vietnamese.' The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, 'Thank you for the wonderful America!' That person puts up his hand
and says, 'I am from Middle East , I am not American!' He finally sees a nice lady and asks, 'Are you an American?' She says , 'No, I am from Africa!' Puzzled, he asks her, 'Where are all the
Americans?' The African lady checks her watch and says...'Probably at work!'
Ho hum........
John, the farmer, was in the fertilized egg business. He had several
hundred young layers (hens), also called 'pullets,' and ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs. The farmer kept records, and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced.
That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and
attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John
could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen. But on
this particular morning, John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at
all. John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets all
over the place with bells-a-ringing. The pullets, upon hearing the roosters
coming, would run for cover. But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch
had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the
Fair, and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result.. The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize, but they awarded him the pulletsurprise as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: who else but a politician
could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them
when they weren't paying attention.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
...What nationality?...
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Of beavers and related furry things....



Prize - a version of Lingerie 5.3 with the stiletto add-on.
Lilies after the rain
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
For some, marriage is a prison sentence; for others.................
Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn he was in, she poured him out onto the patio table. Then tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him.'Herman, you know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!'
She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said, 'Herman, remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!'
Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes the said, 'Herman, that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!'
Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, 'Herman, remember that blow job l promised you?'
'Here it comes....'
I've tried and tried and tried....
Sunday, August 10, 2008
Some Howe boys

leaning against hand rail is Peter Simpson - Howe Boys Me - Stephen Lennie sitting with hands over kneesnot sure who is to my right Same person to left as in first picture.

Bicycle rider is me - Stephen Lennie Laundry No. P6 as referred to in July
2008 issue.
not sure who is sitting
Just received these from Stephen Lennie - Howe 64 - 69 - I remember his sister Margaret - maybe young Fred S might remember him too and know who the other folk are in pictures?
Saturday, August 09, 2008
...it is a Collingwood girl!...
Must be a Collingwood Girl
The St Austell care home resident's fantasy was fulfilled by Cornwall Care, as part of its Make a Wish initiative.
The "dish of the day" was served by a male member of staff who volunteered to act as her waiter at Woodland House.
After the meal, the resident said: "I thoroughly enjoyed my fish and chips served by the half naked man."
'Pint and pasty'
The woman, who has not been named, said it had all been done in good taste.
"The care of our clients is our number one priority and fundamental to this is giving them choices and respecting their wishes as adults," a Cornwall Care spokesman said.
The care provider said its more typical requests were for a day out or a pint and a pasty.
"While it may have been a bit risque, the wish was carried out with the utmost respect for all those involved and taken in the good humoured way it was intended by residents and staff present at the time," the spokesman added.
Naturally someone has complained though and said the care home manager should be sacked..
Friday, August 08, 2008
Who remembers this?
Thursday, August 07, 2008
Subterranean Homesick Blues


